“Just give up” was whispered to me in my sleep. For weeks I had been waking up in the early morning with my heart racing in fear. The enemy had been harassing me in my sleep and this was just one of those times. “Give up your dreams and the call” seemed to be his verbatim.
I would contemplate the thought of throwing in the towel during those midnight hours. To just give up on my writing and give myself to work. The temptation was to lay the dreams down because the pipe was getting longer and life was getting shorter. As a working mom and an author I have often wondered when I would get to be strictly a writer. With the constant pressure to just give up and give myself to work and forget about my dreams, I could feel discouragement trying to be my advisor.
Last Saturday the Lord reminded me of a sermon I had preached four years ago. It was titled “The Destruction of Ignorance.” The heart of the message was about close friends brining disaster to our home and for an example I shared the story of my palm tree being destroyed by a new dog we had just adopted from a shelter that had separation anxiety. Out of a panic, he destroyed a palm I had for years and in minutes took it to its roots. With one small remaining stem sticking up out of the pot. After I cleaned up the mess, set it back on its right end, packed the dirt back around its roots and trimmed off the broken pieces it was quite pathetic. To look at it you would have never known that it was a majestic palm; it looked like a new seedling in a big pot. But underneath it was a great root system that declared it was a mature palm.
In church a couple weeks ago one of our pastors gave a word of encouragement. He said, “I sense there are some people in here who feel like giving up. They have been feeling hopeless and discouraged and struggling with the thought of giving up.” I squeezed Joe’s hand as the tears ran down my face. Then last week in church during worship, I had a vision of a giant root. It had once been a great tree of fruition and it was about to bloom again. Then my mind went back to the sermon of the palm tree.
As our senior pastor took the pulpit to preach he was having everybody turn to Psalms 103, I grabbed my bible but my bible landed on Psalms 92. (Don’t you just love it when your bible knows where it needs to fall?) And in my own writing I had bracketed and underlined verses 12-15
The righteous will flourish like a palm tree, they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon; planted in the house of the LORD, they will flourish in the courts of our God. They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green, proclaiming, “The LORD is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him.
God was reminding me and encouraging me to stay the course and to not give up. He was using my words and sermons I had preached. He was using scriptures I had underlined years ago and He was causing me to recall what I believe in and believe for.
Living an average life of work, bills and food has never appealed to me. However for a time, it seemed easier to let go of the dream and just become another person who once had one but grew old. Of course I want to mature and become wiser but I want the years that God is seasoning me in to be complimentary to the dream He has placed in my heart. As a mother my first dream is to instill in my children to dream and aspire and pursue the things of God. And As a mother I need to lead my example.
