I have really been excited for this new decade. So much has transpired in just ten years. How I wish I could say it was all wonderful and rosy, but I can't. However, I can say that it has all been good. Every painful step that has brought us to where we are today has had the Master's hand-prints all over them. Even though there were times I was pretty sure He had forgotten us, He most certainly had not!
The year 2000 was the start of a journey that I never would have booked for myself. They were the Titanic years. None the less, I look back on the snapshots of my mind and see a beautiful photo album of Gods grace and mercy during those travels. Pictures of Him carrying me, my family and my broken heart through some pretty uncertain seasons. I can remember a time when I had curled up in a ball on the floor of my bedroom crying out to God to help me forgive, help me let go and help me love.
It has been ten years since I first experienced what true hurt was... a hurt so deep it felt as if someones hand had gripped my heart, and squeezed the life out of it. The pain was deep because I loved deep. This heart pressing anguish came directly from my church and the people I viewed as "family".
That was the beginning of a decade of wounds and lacerations to my soul.
This is such a happy blog, :-) ....
That beautiful pain of betrayal, removal and misunderstandings has been a pressure, but not a crusher. I walked into church this morning with this new revelation; I really know what it is God has placed in my heart. These past ten years of trial and losses have removed things and people. But it has also removed layers of self-doubt and confusion. Sifted of all I thought I wanted, God removed the bulk. And for the first time in a long while things seem clear.
The refiners fire may have removed reputations, friendships and even our home and business, but what was left behind has startled me. I can see the missionary coming forth, The seasoned woman of God that has somewhat of a clue...somewhat. There's a confidence I have never experienced rising up in me. I see my children serving God. I see My husband leading strongly. He leans over to me this morning in church and says, "I want to go to Hatti and help rebuild." Let me pack my bags sweetheart! I'll hold the orphans you help clean the rubble.
I look back on those ten years and they look like a forest fire of hopes, dreams and plans burned up. I can also see how they were my hopes and dreams with the intention of God using them. How foolish I was.
In India, when people pass away they have to go to a certain family to receive the "burial fire" for the cremation. This family is the keeper of the coals that are strictly used for burial ceremonies and it is never to go out. Think about that: A fire that has burned for several centuries that is specifically set aside for the burning of dead things. I like the sound of that.
We need to ask Father God for that flame more often. How many dead intentions, prayers and plans have I had in this past decade? I also know I have had many great inspirations from God in those fires that withstood the heat and the flames.
"Isaiah 6:5-8 So I said: Woe is me , for I am undone! Because I am a man of unclean lips, And I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of host," Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a live coal which he had taken with the tongs from the alter and he touched my mouth with it and said: Behold this has touched your lips: Your iniquity is taken away and your sins are purged." Also I heard the voice of the Lord saying: "Whom shall I send and who will go for Us?" Then said I, "Here am I! Send me."
I have never wanted it more than I do now, the perfect will of God. Ten years of learning, training, waiting and releasing has created in me a yearning. I stand on the county line at the end of one decade and the start of a new one and I can't wait for what God has in store. My prayer is, "Take your coal Lord, remove what is keeping me from pursuing more of You, Here am I, send me!
