I found another gray hair this morning!!! I am sure it had appeared this week. After funeral arrangements and a week with my mother, we found ourselves at urgent care with my youngest having pneumonia and me with a ripping sinus infection. This is the thanks I get, an infection, a sick kid and a crown of wisdom...nice.
This Friday morning has been a much slower day. TGIF. The past week is finally done. My grandmothers funeral arrangements were made. My mother took the train home. We are all on antibiotics, and the headache is finally easing off. AHHH!!!
I soaked in the tub this Friday morning and thought of all that had transpired this week. Despite the extra gray hair, I have many reasons to be thankful. So many miracles. I witnessed the hand of God on us and the favor of God that was shown to us through the kindness of others.
We saw it at the funeral home. My grandmother had purchased part of a burial plan but it wasn't enough. They reimbursed us the plan and we were able to take the funds and pay for her cremation. This is rarely done. They even helped us find a less expensive cremation plan through another company.
We finished with all the paperwork and were shown such favor in the lengthiness of it. When Joe and I finished signing it all we thought it would be nice to take my mom to Pikes and just walk the day off. It was sunny and even slightly warm. As we found FREE parking my mom and I walked ahead of Joe. He had ran back to the car because he always has to have a dollar for the homeless people that sell the newspapers. Yes he is an incredible guy.
I turned to witness a beautiful seen. As he was buying a paper from a homeless elderly woman, he then went to help another elderly women get in her car. With people everywhere walking fast and getting to their destination, I am privileged to see this painted before me. Little pieces of life, love and Gods brush strokes are everywhere. The favor, the finances, the sunny day, the kind acts, the peace in the midst of life's storms.
As I soaked in the tub I put some jasmine bubble bath in the hot running water. It smelled amazing. I read the label and it said the Jasmine flower is picked in the dark of night when it is at its most fragrant. This little information went right along with the praise song and psalm I have had been singing in my heart
"Weeping may be for a night but rejoicing come in the morning." Psalm 30:5
There is no other song than the song that comes after the night. It's at the most fragrant and powerful level. There may be pain in the night but Joy, His unspeakable Joy, comes in the morning. His love never fails!!!
I wanted to set my mind on the things above and not on all the commotion that has transpired this past week. Two mission teams came home this week, one from Mexico and one from Thailand. Even in the midst of the all the weeks confusion, God would bring my friends to my mind and heart and I would fiercely pray for them. I thought of how easily it would have been to be distracted, but I had purposed in my heart to pray from them and God held me fast to my commitment. As I wept in the night and prayed in the darkness, God would bring to my mind friends, family and situations that needed prayer. He used my weeping of the night and made it useful and prayerful. "Warful" if that's a word. And now as the week comes to an end and I am one gray hair wiser, I see how important our night prayers are. How fragrant they can be. They usher peace to our sleep and we get to experience how beautiful a morning song is and His mercy's that are new with every sunrise. Our nights may add a little silver to our crown but that's the beauty of silver, its has such a nice contrast with a black drop.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
my grandmother
January 10th has found me starting my 4th annual Daniel fast. I have seen the power of a fast in our lives. Three years ago we were warring for my son. He had walked away from God and was cutting a new path that was going to be filled with pain and turmoil. On January 11, 2007, the demonic influence broke off of him and we saw many miracles that year.
I have come to love the intimacy that develops between God and I during a fast. It is different than the average prayer life, It is rich and awakening. Sure it is difficult and trying, that's what makes it so deepening. I run to the Word with every hunger pain, every growl of the stomach causes me to growl for the things I am crying out for in the spirit. Which brings me to this years fast.
The first few hours of the first day of this fast found me at the hospital with my unsaved and very bitter grandmother. To go into detail would take a books worth of words, (Which is in the makings). She was dying. I am her closest relative, besides my mother who lives in eastern Oregon, that was willing to be near her. It wasn't easy for me. She's a very mean person. Yesterday I walked into her hospital room and for over an hour I was annihilated by her bitterness in words and wild eyed glares. "Get way from me, Look what you've done to me, are you proud of yourself, I don't even know you, get way from me, I have no children." They were targeted words that were meant for my mother. My grandmother thought I was her. I wept when I thought of my mother having to hear such words from her, and I was thankful it was me.
I didn't know what to say except, "Grandma, I love you, I'm not going anywhere."
I prayed and cried out to God to help me honestly love her through Him. Her refusal of Gods grace for most of her life has brought her to this place of hatefulness. Most of her children would not come to see her nor did they care that she was dying... most, but not all. My mother was on her way up taking the train. My grandmother had abandoned her children years ago and now their hearts were returning the wound.
During the night my husband and I sat by her bed praying and reading scripture over her. Her life was ending and two eternities were waiting for her. The picture in my head was that of Charles Dickens character, Scrooge, where at the end of his life he saw himself dying alone, as the flames of hell were licking at his feet. This was what I saw for my grandmother. When she was coherent I would ask her if she was ready to see Jesus. "Get away from me with that", she would spit out. As she slipped into her coma I would pray scripture over her as her body twitched and her hands clenched. Even in her dying she was fighting to resist God more than to live, or so it seemed to me.
At 12:25am the atmosphere changed... her agitation was more obvious. My husband said, "You need to ask her again if she is ready." I asked her one last time. "Grandma, Are you ready to see Jesus? Are you ready to go home and be at peace?" As she clenched her fist, I said, "I am going to lead you in a prayer." I prayed the sinners prayer and paused between each petition giving her spirit time to respond. Then, the most beautiful presence of peace entered the room, her body calmed down and her breaching was no longer laborious. My husband and I just sat there staring at each other. Did she just surrender? Are we witnessing this supernatural victory with our physical eyes? After 94 years of running from God, did she finally run to Him? My hope and belief is that she did respond to that prayer.
The first half hour of my 21 day fast started with the meanest person I know, having peace for the first time in her life. She passed away at 5:23 this morning, 5 hours after the prayer. She slept, Psalm 62:1 My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.
When I was preparing to go see my grandmother in the hospital I prayed for an unconditional love. God spoke something straight forward into my being at that moment. He said "If you want to go to nations to declare the Word, you must be willing to walk in these places as well." I knew what He was saying to me and about me. I can hold a person on the streets or in a hell hole and have no idea how they got there or how badly they have hurt their family. I am moved to compassion and I will just love them where they are at. As a minister of the Word we must walk into these dungeons and love people. But the Lord was asking more of me. The Lord was showing me I needed to go farther than that. Unconditional love isn't just about loving people where they are, it's more about loving them and knowing how they got there too.
My request this year, during this 21 day fast, is to see a harvest of souls and for God to send us out even unto the nations. If the first half hour of this prayerful time is any indication of what is to come, I am anxious to see what He has in store for the rest of the year. Psalm 2:8 tells us "Ask of me, and I will make the nations your inheritance, and I just realized, My grandmothers quiet decision was like a nation being won. My answer to a prayer started with God redeeming part of my inheritance.
I have come to love the intimacy that develops between God and I during a fast. It is different than the average prayer life, It is rich and awakening. Sure it is difficult and trying, that's what makes it so deepening. I run to the Word with every hunger pain, every growl of the stomach causes me to growl for the things I am crying out for in the spirit. Which brings me to this years fast.
The first few hours of the first day of this fast found me at the hospital with my unsaved and very bitter grandmother. To go into detail would take a books worth of words, (Which is in the makings). She was dying. I am her closest relative, besides my mother who lives in eastern Oregon, that was willing to be near her. It wasn't easy for me. She's a very mean person. Yesterday I walked into her hospital room and for over an hour I was annihilated by her bitterness in words and wild eyed glares. "Get way from me, Look what you've done to me, are you proud of yourself, I don't even know you, get way from me, I have no children." They were targeted words that were meant for my mother. My grandmother thought I was her. I wept when I thought of my mother having to hear such words from her, and I was thankful it was me.
I didn't know what to say except, "Grandma, I love you, I'm not going anywhere."
I prayed and cried out to God to help me honestly love her through Him. Her refusal of Gods grace for most of her life has brought her to this place of hatefulness. Most of her children would not come to see her nor did they care that she was dying... most, but not all. My mother was on her way up taking the train. My grandmother had abandoned her children years ago and now their hearts were returning the wound.
During the night my husband and I sat by her bed praying and reading scripture over her. Her life was ending and two eternities were waiting for her. The picture in my head was that of Charles Dickens character, Scrooge, where at the end of his life he saw himself dying alone, as the flames of hell were licking at his feet. This was what I saw for my grandmother. When she was coherent I would ask her if she was ready to see Jesus. "Get away from me with that", she would spit out. As she slipped into her coma I would pray scripture over her as her body twitched and her hands clenched. Even in her dying she was fighting to resist God more than to live, or so it seemed to me.
At 12:25am the atmosphere changed... her agitation was more obvious. My husband said, "You need to ask her again if she is ready." I asked her one last time. "Grandma, Are you ready to see Jesus? Are you ready to go home and be at peace?" As she clenched her fist, I said, "I am going to lead you in a prayer." I prayed the sinners prayer and paused between each petition giving her spirit time to respond. Then, the most beautiful presence of peace entered the room, her body calmed down and her breaching was no longer laborious. My husband and I just sat there staring at each other. Did she just surrender? Are we witnessing this supernatural victory with our physical eyes? After 94 years of running from God, did she finally run to Him? My hope and belief is that she did respond to that prayer.
The first half hour of my 21 day fast started with the meanest person I know, having peace for the first time in her life. She passed away at 5:23 this morning, 5 hours after the prayer. She slept, Psalm 62:1 My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.
When I was preparing to go see my grandmother in the hospital I prayed for an unconditional love. God spoke something straight forward into my being at that moment. He said "If you want to go to nations to declare the Word, you must be willing to walk in these places as well." I knew what He was saying to me and about me. I can hold a person on the streets or in a hell hole and have no idea how they got there or how badly they have hurt their family. I am moved to compassion and I will just love them where they are at. As a minister of the Word we must walk into these dungeons and love people. But the Lord was asking more of me. The Lord was showing me I needed to go farther than that. Unconditional love isn't just about loving people where they are, it's more about loving them and knowing how they got there too.
My request this year, during this 21 day fast, is to see a harvest of souls and for God to send us out even unto the nations. If the first half hour of this prayerful time is any indication of what is to come, I am anxious to see what He has in store for the rest of the year. Psalm 2:8 tells us "Ask of me, and I will make the nations your inheritance, and I just realized, My grandmothers quiet decision was like a nation being won. My answer to a prayer started with God redeeming part of my inheritance.
Friday, January 8, 2010
How do I let go of a friend?
I found myself at 1:30 this morning milling around a subject that has been discussed for the past four weeks between a couple of friends and I, each person bringing it up at separate times. The question was, "How does a Christian let go of a friend?"
Have you ever faced the dilemma of needing to let go of a relationship? Have you ever tried to figure out how to release a friend that you have drifted from without looking like a jerk? Do you find yourself asking the question, "Why are things different or what has changed?" When did things shift from, interest to disinterest?"
In my years of serving God I have found that some relationships in my life have faded. Was it me, them, both or timing? I have had to seek God deeply on this issue for I didn't want to be a "fickle friend", unless God told me to. Some I was ready to let go of and others I grieved as if it were a death.
What does Jesus do in these types of cases? This brings me to a few more questions, "When does God let go and quit pursuing a person? When does He go from favoring them to loving them less? And is it God no longer pursuing us or is it man running away while He stays in his steadfast pose of arms out waiting? Its the latter one. His love never changes.
Malachi 1:2 states that God loves Jacob but Esau He hates. Those are some pretty strong words for a God who is Love. But the word hate, here in Hebrew, means He loved less. Even in Jacobs deceitful way he still pursued God, however, Esau did not. I would like to submit that this "loving more" of Jacob came because two separate loves were meeting, Jacob's and God's. Many times in the Word you see God's favor resting on an individual.These special people had hearts that longed for God. God's hand hovered over Jacob's life as it did over David's, Daniel's and Joseph's: All pursuers of their Savior and their friend. Rich relationships always come with trust and an exchange of the hearts.
The truth of pursuit and much love go hand in hand. We pursue what we love.
Come near to God and he will come near to you...James 4:8a
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13
These scriptures along with others in the Word have a promise of catching God. Imagine running full force into His embrace. Colliding with the God of the universe. The impact would certainly ring your bell and changed your life.
Our precious Father is in constant pursuit of us. He is always in a position of arms open and waiting. His steadfast love never changes. But my question in this silly blog is, "How can we love another less and still love them fully?" It comes with the same principle of pursuit. More love is in the midst when two people are pursuing each other, but when one of the two becomes distracted, disinterested or turns there backs on the relationship, less love has entered the scene. And no matter how deep your love is there is no longer the impact of two loves.
Christ pursues us, we pursue him, BAM!!, more love. This same truth goes with friendships, marriage, and our children. The reality of this, is sometimes people just don't love us as much as we love them. Maybe you have found yourself in a friendship that seems to lack what it used to be, you've both grown or changed, and the relationship just seems awkward. What does a Christian do here? Do you Break up with your friend? That's nonsense. Seasonal friendships have their place. Be it two weeks, two years or twenty. They hold very special places in our hearts that no one can fill. But sometimes friendships have these invisible bungee cords attached to them. They have a way of pulling us backwards, removing our growth and our momentum of pursuing God. Just when we are about to take hold of a prize...boing! we are pulled back because of the attachment to what we were tied to.
At times, its not always about letting go of a relationship but letting it grow into something new. It won't be what it was, hopefully it will be better.
My advice to you: If you have found yourself in this uncomfortable place of "what now", listen to the Spirit of God and what He says about who belongs in your life. Remember Lot and Abram? Abram was to leave his family and his hometown of Haran. In Genesis 12, Abram took Lot anyway. It was not a good move for Lot and it ended up destroying much their relationship. Lot found himself living in Sodom and Gomorrah, losing his wife and his daughters were corrupted by the environment they lived in. Abram needed to leave Lot behind and love him fully by loving him less.It's painful to leave friends where you met them, but even more painful to see lives destroyed because you didn't obey. As hard as it is to accept, sometimes people are better off without us, as amazing as we may be. :)
Added thought:
Bungee cords work two ways. Hook yours in the belt loops of Christ,
that way you are always going forward.
Have you ever faced the dilemma of needing to let go of a relationship? Have you ever tried to figure out how to release a friend that you have drifted from without looking like a jerk? Do you find yourself asking the question, "Why are things different or what has changed?" When did things shift from, interest to disinterest?"
In my years of serving God I have found that some relationships in my life have faded. Was it me, them, both or timing? I have had to seek God deeply on this issue for I didn't want to be a "fickle friend", unless God told me to. Some I was ready to let go of and others I grieved as if it were a death.
What does Jesus do in these types of cases? This brings me to a few more questions, "When does God let go and quit pursuing a person? When does He go from favoring them to loving them less? And is it God no longer pursuing us or is it man running away while He stays in his steadfast pose of arms out waiting? Its the latter one. His love never changes.
Malachi 1:2 states that God loves Jacob but Esau He hates. Those are some pretty strong words for a God who is Love. But the word hate, here in Hebrew, means He loved less. Even in Jacobs deceitful way he still pursued God, however, Esau did not. I would like to submit that this "loving more" of Jacob came because two separate loves were meeting, Jacob's and God's. Many times in the Word you see God's favor resting on an individual.These special people had hearts that longed for God. God's hand hovered over Jacob's life as it did over David's, Daniel's and Joseph's: All pursuers of their Savior and their friend. Rich relationships always come with trust and an exchange of the hearts.
The truth of pursuit and much love go hand in hand. We pursue what we love.
Come near to God and he will come near to you...James 4:8a
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13
These scriptures along with others in the Word have a promise of catching God. Imagine running full force into His embrace. Colliding with the God of the universe. The impact would certainly ring your bell and changed your life.
Our precious Father is in constant pursuit of us. He is always in a position of arms open and waiting. His steadfast love never changes. But my question in this silly blog is, "How can we love another less and still love them fully?" It comes with the same principle of pursuit. More love is in the midst when two people are pursuing each other, but when one of the two becomes distracted, disinterested or turns there backs on the relationship, less love has entered the scene. And no matter how deep your love is there is no longer the impact of two loves.
Christ pursues us, we pursue him, BAM!!, more love. This same truth goes with friendships, marriage, and our children. The reality of this, is sometimes people just don't love us as much as we love them. Maybe you have found yourself in a friendship that seems to lack what it used to be, you've both grown or changed, and the relationship just seems awkward. What does a Christian do here? Do you Break up with your friend? That's nonsense. Seasonal friendships have their place. Be it two weeks, two years or twenty. They hold very special places in our hearts that no one can fill. But sometimes friendships have these invisible bungee cords attached to them. They have a way of pulling us backwards, removing our growth and our momentum of pursuing God. Just when we are about to take hold of a prize...boing! we are pulled back because of the attachment to what we were tied to.
At times, its not always about letting go of a relationship but letting it grow into something new. It won't be what it was, hopefully it will be better.
My advice to you: If you have found yourself in this uncomfortable place of "what now", listen to the Spirit of God and what He says about who belongs in your life. Remember Lot and Abram? Abram was to leave his family and his hometown of Haran. In Genesis 12, Abram took Lot anyway. It was not a good move for Lot and it ended up destroying much their relationship. Lot found himself living in Sodom and Gomorrah, losing his wife and his daughters were corrupted by the environment they lived in. Abram needed to leave Lot behind and love him fully by loving him less.It's painful to leave friends where you met them, but even more painful to see lives destroyed because you didn't obey. As hard as it is to accept, sometimes people are better off without us, as amazing as we may be. :)
Added thought:
Bungee cords work two ways. Hook yours in the belt loops of Christ,
that way you are always going forward.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Healing my walk
As the new year begins I find myself once again assessing new goals for the coming 365 days and remember failed ones of the past year, or should I say years. I am not much on new years resolutions but more about fresh starts. Goals have away of instantly making me feel like I have more work and less time. If I have learned anything this past year it has been to trust God daily and accomplish each day with my best foot forward. Which brings me to this truth:
This new year found me with an inability to ignore some very painful legs and feet issues. I have been going to the podiatrist for the past 8 weeks trying to figure out why my legs and feet are in such pain. As my doctor examines my feet and stretches my calves (thankfully I did shave) he begins to tell me about myself by the way I walk. He nailed my person as if he was prophetic. He told me I had a very high pain tolerance and had ignored important pain alerts that my legs and feet were sending out. My ignoring the pain caused me to walk differently, thus creating an even greater problem. As he stretched, poked, pulled and wrapped my tender feet, I was given some very important instructions, He said," This didn't happen over night and it won't heal over night. You have to change the way you walk to undo the years of damage" Then he gave me exercises I had to do.
Well as I am sure you may have made some spiritual connections with this. Just like I have done in the physical, I have had ignored some spiritual hurts of the past years. I am sad to say it had changed my walk. I have had to address places that wounded me deeper than I realized and lay before the great Physician as He stretches me and wraps my wounds. I have had to confess my sin of ignorantly thinking I had dealt with the hurt when in actuality I had only stepped around it. I had to forgive again. Like a shot of cortisone in the bottom of my feet it stung and burned as Christ reached in to the deepest part of my heart and touched a bruise I had been favoring in my spiritual feet. It released a hurt that had burrowed deep in me. I needed a reminder to not side step hurt but to address it with grace and truth. A wound doesn't go away because it is ignored, it goes away because it is healed. I am walking with a limp and a fresh knowledge of grace. My limp now reminds me to forgive quickly, then healing comes quickly. Delayed forgiveness makes for a painful christian walk. Psalm 103;2-3 Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases. (NIV) Yes forgiveness and healing work together,
What will this year bring you? Goals to reach? Weight to lose? Studies to read?... Before we add more to our life, be it in spirit or natural, lets look inside and see if we need to remove a few things, You may not need to change anything but the way you walk.
This new year found me with an inability to ignore some very painful legs and feet issues. I have been going to the podiatrist for the past 8 weeks trying to figure out why my legs and feet are in such pain. As my doctor examines my feet and stretches my calves (thankfully I did shave) he begins to tell me about myself by the way I walk. He nailed my person as if he was prophetic. He told me I had a very high pain tolerance and had ignored important pain alerts that my legs and feet were sending out. My ignoring the pain caused me to walk differently, thus creating an even greater problem. As he stretched, poked, pulled and wrapped my tender feet, I was given some very important instructions, He said," This didn't happen over night and it won't heal over night. You have to change the way you walk to undo the years of damage" Then he gave me exercises I had to do.
Well as I am sure you may have made some spiritual connections with this. Just like I have done in the physical, I have had ignored some spiritual hurts of the past years. I am sad to say it had changed my walk. I have had to address places that wounded me deeper than I realized and lay before the great Physician as He stretches me and wraps my wounds. I have had to confess my sin of ignorantly thinking I had dealt with the hurt when in actuality I had only stepped around it. I had to forgive again. Like a shot of cortisone in the bottom of my feet it stung and burned as Christ reached in to the deepest part of my heart and touched a bruise I had been favoring in my spiritual feet. It released a hurt that had burrowed deep in me. I needed a reminder to not side step hurt but to address it with grace and truth. A wound doesn't go away because it is ignored, it goes away because it is healed. I am walking with a limp and a fresh knowledge of grace. My limp now reminds me to forgive quickly, then healing comes quickly. Delayed forgiveness makes for a painful christian walk. Psalm 103;2-3 Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases. (NIV) Yes forgiveness and healing work together,
What will this year bring you? Goals to reach? Weight to lose? Studies to read?... Before we add more to our life, be it in spirit or natural, lets look inside and see if we need to remove a few things, You may not need to change anything but the way you walk.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)