my grandmother

January 10th has found me starting my 4th annual Daniel fast. I have seen the power of a fast in our lives. Three years ago we were warring for my son. He had walked away from God and was cutting a new path that was going to be filled with pain and turmoil. On January 11, 2007, the demonic influence broke off of him and we saw many miracles that year.
I have come to love the intimacy that develops between God and I during a fast. It is different than the average prayer life, It is rich and awakening. Sure it is difficult and trying, that's what makes it so deepening. I run to the Word with every hunger pain, every growl of the stomach causes me to growl for the things I am crying out for in the spirit. Which brings me to this years fast.

The first few hours of the first day of this fast found me at the hospital with my unsaved and very bitter grandmother. To go into detail would take a books worth of words, (Which is in the makings). She was dying. I am her closest relative, besides my mother who lives in eastern Oregon, that was willing to be near her. It wasn't easy for me. She's a very mean person. Yesterday I walked into her hospital room and for over an hour I was annihilated by her bitterness in words and wild eyed glares. "Get way from me, Look what you've done to me, are you proud of yourself, I don't even know you, get way from me, I have no children." They were targeted words that were meant for my mother. My grandmother thought I was her. I wept when I thought of my mother having to hear such words from her, and I was thankful it was me.
I didn't know what to say except, "Grandma, I love you, I'm not going anywhere."
I prayed and cried out to God to help me honestly love her through Him. Her refusal of Gods grace for most of her life has brought her to this place of hatefulness. Most of her children would not come to see her nor did they care that she was dying... most, but not all. My mother was on her way up taking the train. My grandmother had abandoned her children years ago and now their hearts were returning the wound.
During the night my husband and I sat by her bed praying and reading scripture over her. Her life was ending and two eternities were waiting for her. The picture in my head was that of Charles Dickens character, Scrooge, where at the end of his life he saw himself dying alone, as the flames of hell were licking at his feet. This was what I saw for my grandmother. When she was coherent I would ask her if she was ready to see Jesus. "Get away from me with that", she would spit out. As she slipped into her coma I would pray scripture over her as her body twitched and her hands clenched. Even in her dying she was fighting to resist God more than to live, or so it seemed to me.
At 12:25am the atmosphere changed... her agitation was more obvious. My husband said, "You need to ask her again if she is ready." I asked her one last time. "Grandma, Are you ready to see Jesus? Are you ready to go home and be at peace?" As she clenched her fist, I said, "I am going to lead you in a prayer." I prayed the sinners prayer and paused between each petition giving her spirit time to respond. Then, the most beautiful presence of peace entered the room, her body calmed down and her breaching was no longer laborious. My husband and I just sat there staring at each other. Did she just surrender? Are we witnessing this supernatural victory with our physical eyes? After 94 years of running from God, did she finally run to Him? My hope and belief is that she did respond to that prayer.

The first half hour of my 21 day fast started with the meanest person I know, having peace for the first time in her life. She passed away at 5:23 this morning, 5 hours after the prayer. She slept, Psalm 62:1 My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.

When I was preparing to go see my grandmother in the hospital I prayed for an unconditional love. God spoke something straight forward into my being at that moment. He said "If you want to go to nations to declare the Word, you must be willing to walk in these places as well." I knew what He was saying to me and about me. I can hold a person on the streets or in a hell hole and have no idea how they got there or how badly they have hurt their family. I am moved to compassion and I will just love them where they are at. As a minister of the Word we must walk into these dungeons and love people. But the Lord was asking more of me. The Lord was showing me I needed to go farther than that. Unconditional love isn't just about loving people where they are, it's more about loving them and knowing how they got there too.

My request this year, during this 21 day fast, is to see a harvest of souls and for God to send us out even unto the nations. If the first half hour of this prayerful time is any indication of what is to come, I am anxious to see what He has in store for the rest of the year. Psalm 2:8 tells us "Ask of me, and I will make the nations your inheritance, and I just realized, My grandmothers quiet decision was like a nation being won. My answer to a prayer started with God redeeming part of my inheritance.

Healing my walk

As the new year begins I find myself once again assessing new goals for the coming 365 days and remember failed ones of the past year, or should I say years. I am not much on new years resolutions but more about fresh starts. Goals have away of instantly making me feel like I have more work and less time. If I have learned anything this past year it has been to trust God daily and accomplish each day with my best foot forward. Which brings me to this truth:
This new year found me with an inability to ignore some very painful legs and feet issues. I have been going to the podiatrist for the past 8 weeks trying to figure out why my legs and feet are in such pain. As my doctor examines my feet and stretches my calves (thankfully I did shave) he begins to tell me about myself by the way I walk. He nailed my person as if he was prophetic. He told me I had a very high pain tolerance and had ignored important pain alerts that my legs and feet were sending out. My ignoring the pain caused me to walk differently, thus creating an even greater problem. As he stretched, poked, pulled and wrapped my tender feet, I was given some very important instructions, He said," This didn't happen over night and it won't heal over night. You have to change the way you walk to undo the years of damage" Then he gave me exercises I had to do.

Well as I am sure you may have made some spiritual connections with this. Just like I have done in the physical, I have had ignored some spiritual hurts of the past years. I am sad to say it had changed my walk. I have had to address places that wounded me deeper than I realized and lay before the great Physician as He stretches me and wraps my wounds. I have had to confess my sin of ignorantly thinking I had dealt with the hurt when in actuality I had only stepped around it. I had to forgive again. Like a shot of cortisone in the bottom of my feet it stung and burned as Christ reached in to the deepest part of my heart and touched a bruise I had been favoring in my spiritual feet. It released a hurt that had burrowed deep in me. I needed a reminder to not side step hurt but to address it with grace and truth. A wound doesn't go away because it is ignored, it goes away because it is healed. I am walking with a limp and a fresh knowledge of grace. My limp now reminds me to forgive quickly, then healing comes quickly. Delayed forgiveness makes for a painful christian walk. Psalm 103;2-3 Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases. (NIV) Yes forgiveness and healing work together,
What will this year bring you? Goals to reach? Weight to lose? Studies to read?... Before we add more to our life, be it in spirit or natural, lets look inside and see if we need to remove a few things, You may not need to change anything but the way you walk.